Stormy Sunshine

as much as I've changed since I got here, for better and for worse, I can't wait to come home and go back to being me. I think its bad that I'm not even half-way through. I haven't posted partly because i haven't done anything worth remembering and also because I don't feel like it until I get out of this slump and can write stuff that isn't depressing or boring. Old habits die hard, and it wasn't a good movie.

I like seeing the expressions of the french people when me and the other american are walking around wearing shorts and a t-shirt when they're bundled in long coats and scarves.

I'm feeling kindof sick though...so they get the last laugh







still I have a good reason and last week I finally proved why I do this so hopefully people will stop telling me I'm an idiot

I just got back from my first job interview in France. I got my job at the lake through Sarah and the only other jobs I've had to interview for were the Bowling alley and at New Media at Riddle so I was a bit nervous.

I spoke to them for nearly an hour. it was pretty intense for working at Starbucks, but we very nice people. I think I did an ok job. They seemed pleased with many of my answers and luckily my french was also ok and I didn't mess up too often.

I'll find out later this week or early next week if I'm hired.

I have just finished the best week since I arrived here

( Read more... )

I wish I could come home. am I allowed to say that?


I'm not sure why I'm feeling like this tonight because, I think I'd feel the same if I was home. I think its more the fact that I'm frustrated and I can't do anything about it. I'd like to be able to hop in my truck, put on some loud music, lower the windows, and drive to some isolated place to relax a bit in the night, or chill watching a movie with nate and ian, or research stuff on the internet knowing ian's right across the room IMing one of his girls, occasionally sending one to me that says "turn down your music Asshole", or knowing my parents are upstairs sleeping, or sitting have 'deep philosophical discussions' with sarah.

I think I've been feeling the distance lately

rugby Monday night was awesome. when I got back home it was hard walking cause my back hurt pretty bad, I bruised my right knee, my left knee was rug burned pretty bad and bleeding a bit, the side of my left calf was on fire (both of which burn pretty bad Tuesday when I took my shower and wore pants), got a finger in my eye, and started bleeding a bit from my chin when someone's finger took a small bit out.

i originally went with shorts, an under-armor shirt, a black t-shirt, and a long sleeve shirt to try to stay warm (it was something in the mid-30's) but after the warm-ups and a bit of tackling practice it was hot enough to be in a t-shirt and shorts playing. The sport is so much fun I think because the ambiance of play. In the rain, cold, heat whatever and everyone is there to have a good time (winnings obviously important, but I think that comes second). you end up cold, wet, sore, and very tired, but happy. and all you need is a ball and people who want to play.

Monday night we spent almost the entire time playing a game and I even scored a try (like a touchdown). though it wasn't so much me doing well as the team working together to pass the ball effectively and I justed ended up being the one to cross the line and take a knee. I think I'm starting to learn the rules better and knowing what to do during the game instead of depending on people to tell me where to be. its gonna be hell coming home and having to re-adjust to American football rules again. it was hard enough switching away from them now.

its good to have a sport again too. I've been doing push-ups whenever I'm frustrated (sadly a lot of them) so its replaced weight-lifting as my primary exercise and this gives me a way to use it in a positive way.

I apologize for the thought post but I feel like writing some things so feel free to ignore the following passage


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You know how people say if you pretend to be something long enough then you become it. maybe it was from a book, I don't remember. In the last few years I think I've changed quite a bit. in some ways I'm very very happy. I used to be much too reserved and shy and I didn't really fit in anywhere. But I did grow (as most do) during the end of high school and started to get a bit of confidence and actual enjoyed time spent with other people and in groups. One of the most successful parts in the last year has been that I've learned to live completely free of other people. I think I've learned how to be part of a group, part of friends, part of things in general, without depending on them to define my character and who I am. This was what I desperately needed to learn and I think now I did.

But lately, especially this summer I've started taking any disappointment or thing that used to make me sad and forced myself to not care or let it slide off. I didn't want to seem as if I was letting anything affect me in any sort of way as it used to and that it was the only way not to go back to that way of thinking.

I've told many (and its true) that this summer was one of the best of my life, and my decision to come here I don't regret. Not only have I made many many super friends that I hope to keep in touch with through my life, spent lots of time getting to know my family here, and learning french, but I've gotten much more confident in myself too.

The thing thats been bothering me lately is that I did have disappointments this summer. whether from school, friends, love-(liking someone rather)-type stuff, or other things, but there were plenty. and some were hard to get over. but things that used to load me for a week or two I've been blowing off at first in days and now its in hours or sometimes minutes.

Either in class or with friends or going out, I've become the picture of confidence, strength, and carefreeness (thats not english, I know). I've been doing at least 200 push-ups every morning, crunches, running, rugby and now I've taken back to almost always wearing black shirts. I actually got the description of "bad-ass" that I've always thought would be cool. I swear a lot, pretend to be cool and part of things, make lots of jokes, don't shy from arguing with others. and it sometimes even feels like this is me.

I think I'm turning into an 'asshole' and it scares me. I want to have compassion and empathy for things instead of being so cold all the time.

The best and worst maybe, is that I let everything go. My friend said something about my family that was not only offensive, but very racist too, and another friend that heard it said he couldn't believe I didn't hit him for it. but I let it slide right off and walked away. if something bothers me instead of getting upset I make a joke about it, laugh, and push it out of my mind.

I barely feel like I have emotions anymore. Like I'm just one of those mindless drones completely absorbed in their social life. My memory is slipping, my ambition and drive is lacking severly (I'm trying to fix this by finding a job, going to extra classes, and exercising more...but its not helping much), and more and more I feel like I'm slipping from who I wanted to be in life. (and as circular as it is, this even has been sliding off me too)

This semester my class load is beyond light so I've been trying to keep myself busy. I've been going on walks in the park nearby, collecting feathers and bits of wood or rocks I think are neat, watching the sun set, taking pictures, or trying to do little projects that make me happy. These times when I'm alone I realize how much I miss caring about things, feelings, about things I used to have in my life. I do still exist but instead of hiding my personal joys behind a mask, I'm becoming the mask and its become harder to take off unless I'm alone.

some days (today i suppose being one, why I'm writing) I can be in the same room as someone thinking my own thoughts about how to be the person I would like to be and would respect but as always soon as they/someone calls me out or intupts my thoughts I switch right back to the mask and the person I feel like I'm becoming.

Don't get me wrong, I am very happy here, and I won't stop saying how I know its a huge opportunity and it can't doing anything but impact my life for the best. I miss my Family, my Friends, my house, my truck but I do have family here, and when it is time to come home I'm going to be torn between leaving my life (a different one this time) for a year again before coming back. I suppose there are some things I can't turn a cold heart too and maybe its in me tonight, and thats why I wrote this.

Sitting here I just realized that I've only just understood this since this weekend and decided to do something about it but as I've barely ventured into the world since then I don't know if I'm doing better. and sadly my way of fixing things requires me to pull back a bit and be more reserved again and my friends (who through all my foolishness remain great people) don't let me even look introspective.



One last thought I suppose before I end this. I am very happy for the pictures, emails, letters, notes, writings, journals, anything I've amassed in the past years (even those I thought I'd deleted) since I've had my laptop and before. going through it all reminds me where I was, who I was, and what my dreams are. All I've got is my memories and I wouldn't give them up for the world.






forgive the rantings of this old soul

a few weeks ago, some of my friends here at school asked me to organize a international students column for the school newspaper. The wanted me to write several articles but also find other students from around the world to write articles in their native language. It ended up being harder than I thought so after a few hours sitting next to the library (I only said that cause its the coolest library I've ever seen...its got an underground forest the top of the trees is at street level) and several failed attempts here is what I came up with:

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When first approached to organize a column for l’Apostrophe, I’ll admit I hesitated. What do I have to offer as one guy from a country of 300 million? Compared to Spiderman, Clint Eastwood, and the adventures of Steve Stifler, I could make it seem downright boring.

But then I starting thinking about what made me different from others around the world. We grew up in different towns, went to different schools, made different friends, and pursued different interests, all to grow up to be the unique young adults we are today. It would be a simple task to generalize everyone and churn out a perfect label description to suit the stereotypes, but that would insult your intelligence. Besides, if that’s your interest about a country, movies work fine, or it’s quick and easy to search on the internet. (I’ll help with mine, American: noun, of or relating to or characteristic of the continents and islands of the Americas; "the American hemisphere"; "American flora and fauna"…doesn’t help much)

But that’s not what you want. In an age of portable computers, WiFi, cell-phones, cheap internet phone calls, and instant chat services, the human race is closer than ever. Instead of mountains and oceans, it is culture that distinguishes between nations. Culture can be defined by characteristics of every aspect of life, common language, relationship behaviors, TV genres, government, education; the list goes on and on. Government and TV is easy, pick up a newspaper or watch the news and you’ll quickly pick up the semantics of those domains, but since the rest are based off of the experiences of individuals, I’d rather focus on those.

Each issue in this column, we will focus on the story of one of our international students here at EPF. The article will be written in their native language too, so be sure to study up. It’d be a simple matter to ask them to write in French, why not, then everyone could easily understand. But there’s no adventure in that. Why not meet the person yourself for help with what you don’t understand, or even ask a friend who’s studying the language to translate.

Chances are you’re not going to get a perfect idea what its like to live in Italy, Spain, China or any other country, but the hope is that you’ll get to know a bit about one person, even just a little, and from that maybe realize why the world is not such a big place after all. Remember though that these students aren’t always the run-of-the-mill. The simple fact that you meet them here studying in France speaks a lot to their courage and their character, so with each of their stories learn not just what they are, but much more importantly, who.


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It was too long so I spent this afternoon trying to cut out every unnecessary word and sentence to cut it from 460 words down to 290. Its probably a stupid accomplishment but it was almost fun stripping it down. I had read advice on the internet on how to write Prose (I had no idea how to write an article, I do literary analysis for an english teacher, not for other people to read) and it helped a lot in making it concise.

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When first approached to organize a column for l’Apostrophe, I’ll admit I hesitated. What can I offer as one guy from a country of 300 million? Compared to Spiderman, Clint Eastwood, or Steve Stifler, I could make it seem downright boring.

But then I thought as to what makes one person unique from another. It would be simple to generalize everyone and churn out a perfect label to suit the stereotypes, but that would insult your intelligence. Besides, if that’s your interest, movies work fine, or it’s quick and easy to search on the internet. (Defining ‘American’ returns something about flora and fauna…doesn’t help much).

But that’s not what you want. With a blossoming electronic superhighway, the human race is closer than ever. Instead of mountains and oceans, it is now each culture, characterized by the experiences of individuals, that distinguishes between nations.

In this column, we will focus on the stories of our international students here at EPF. The article will be written in their native language too, so be sure to study up. They could write in French, why not, then everyone could easily understand, but there’s no adventure in that. Meet the person yourself, or find a friend to help translate.

Chances are you’re not going to get a perfect idea what its like to live in Italy, Spain, China or any other country, but the hope is that you’ll learn a bit about one person, even just a little, and from that maybe realize why the world is not such a big place after all. Remember the courage it took for these students to come here, so with each of their stories try to learn not just what they are, but much more importantly, who.

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on another note, this week has been one really sweet week. I had an awesome time this weekend at my families, Tuesday was one of the wildest craziest nights of my life which I didn't get home from till 7:30. Wednesday evening I talked on the phone with my parents, Ian, and my grandmother till 3am. then tonight I went out to a club again with a bunch of friends and had one of the best times I've had yet (I've never liked clubs at all) and didn't get home again till 5, but this time my friend had given me this super caffeinated sports drink around 9:30pm before we left so I finished watching Troy, tossed and turned around in my bed till 7 without sleeping and now I'm up for the rest of the day I think. (the stuff was supposed to be for hard core working out and was supposidly much much more powerful than Redbull). needless to say I think my sleep balance is destroyed for some time to come. luckly we're on vacation this week so its not too bad.

tonight we're having a big international meal with some of my french friends. Me and the other american are making hotwings and everyone is going to bring a dish from home. it should be fun I hope. so I'm off to do my push-ups, shower, then take the train to the supermarket to get hotsauce and start cookin up some food!

bailed on the Amsterdam trip. and felt like the biggest dooshbag ever for doing so.


I ended up spending the weekend at my families for a family reunion. Got to spend all the time with my little cousins and it was a ton of fun. Piggy back rides while hiking in the woods, sword fights, soccer, tag/monster/running around the couch in pitch black, even our own little version of france's american idol, La Nouvelle Star, in which I was obligated to sing and dance for them (I qualified for the final round too!!)


I had a bunch of reasons for not going to Amsterdam...mostly because I had too many things going on this weekend that I did not think I should miss (TKD lesson, 3hr of Aerodynamics class Sat. morning, Stefanos not going either, no hotel, missing the reunion...)




-this is more than others just a post for me so I can remember what happened this weekend, my expression ecrit todays been pretty bad so I'm not about writing a novel. plus I started earlier and now its 2:20am and I just spent 3hrs on the phone with Ian and my mom (which was pretty awesome! I miss them, dad and sarah too obviously)....bahh...sleep...sleep...sleep

besides today being high on the list of the strangest days of my recent life, I did get one bit of news I was pretty happy about. One of my friends here asked last week if I would be willing to teach a Tae Kwon Do class to him and whoever else wanted to join. My first lesson is gonna be friday. I haven't exactly practiced outside of my own training regime in almost 3 years now I think so its gonna be a little rough, but I'm definitly looking forward to it. I've been wanting to take it up again since my muscles healed but never found the place or took the time to do it. So we'll see how it goes, tomorrow I'm gonna review my notes and do a bit of research to prepare my lesson. My biggest issue is going to be making sure I keep it interesting for people my age, but still drill the basics so they learn well. I'm quite excited.

because I don't want to write out the entire day, I need key words to remember it...I have a feeling similar days'll be coming.
(intense, money, ruler, coffee, sophie/rené bullshit, you alright dude?, world situation, black shirt/jacket, good friends, santiago's help)